Isn’t this a bit too one on one? The sunlight glistens, so I squint; the road is frozen over, so I shiver.
Ken WagnerDec 4, 2008 @ 21:31
I see your point, but I like this one.
I like the contrast between the sensations – flash of the sun vs. cold freeze. Two different prompts, but the same reaction – the muscular contraction of a shiver or a squint. Yet, the two types of contractions are very different.
Isn’t this a bit too one on one? The sunlight glistens, so I squint; the road is frozen over, so I shiver.
I see your point, but I like this one.
I like the contrast between the sensations – flash of the sun vs. cold freeze. Two different prompts, but the same reaction – the muscular contraction of a shiver or a squint. Yet, the two types of contractions are very different.
I also like the rhythm and unexpected sounds.
No?
What if you change what’s longer and what’s shorter?
Maybe like this: I squint and shiver / in the glistening sun. / This frozen road.
Maybe it’s not good, but I like it. Woof!
🙂