10 comments… add one
  • aj3d Nov 25, 2008 @ 16:06

    I’m finding it difficult to focus here, Ken. What is it about this that made you pause? What does “then move on” add?

  • Ken Wagner Nov 25, 2008 @ 22:07

    Well, you’ve got my number. I’ve been vague all my life. Sometime I’m not even sure what I’m talking about!

    I was trying to capture the break into awareness/pause/return to routine.

    How’s this:

    Wet leaves,
    heavy air, pause
    then steps.

  • Adriaan Nov 26, 2008 @ 4:08

    Isn’t the resuming of the steps understood? If it wasn’t, you’d still be standing there. And I think “pause” already means it is temporary.

    I don’t know what exactly made you pause, and maybe you don’t either. If so, it could be something like:

    Wet leaves, heavy air,
    something made me pause
    in my steps.

  • Ken Wagner Nov 26, 2008 @ 20:33

    Original –

    Stepping on wet leaves,
    hollow pats, heavy air.
    I pause, then move on.

    Image by takomabibelot via Flickr

  • Adriaan Nov 27, 2008 @ 3:06

    Yes. I liked “heavy air” better, though. And there seems no need for “on” not being on the third line. But, yes.

  • Ken Wagner Nov 27, 2008 @ 20:35

    Let’s try “heavy” again!

    Had been –
    I pause
    in thick air on
    wet leaves.

  • Adriaan Nov 28, 2008 @ 4:59

    Maybe the problem is, that there is no pause at all in the haiku itself. Which somehow negates the idea of the pause you mention. It diminishes the urgency.

    I try not to use the ellipsis too often, some haikuists use it all the time, but maybe here it could do wonders.

    Rearranging your words I get:
    In heavy air
    I pause…
    on wet leaves.

  • Ken Wagner Nov 28, 2008 @ 19:48

    I think this may work –

    I pause –
    the heavy air on
    wet leaves.

    What do you think? I like the dash and rhythm, but does “on” work?

  • Adriaan Nov 29, 2008 @ 5:51

    If you think “on” doesn’t work, use “and”. Same rhythm, better repetition of eh-sounds (but you have three of those already).

  • Ken Wagner Nov 29, 2008 @ 21:23

    Was –
    I pause
    in heavy air on
    wet leaves.

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