Are you sure it wouldn’t get better using articles? If it becomes too long to your liking, you could consider skipping or changing the third line (it’s a bit redundant as it is now).
Yes. There’s just one thing bothering me (a bit), the thing that bothers me most in most of my own haiku as well: the so-called “so what” factor.
I think that’s the hardest of all. Haiku generally are too short to impress by clever language alone, so how keep them interesting? How to steer between the Scylla and Charybdis? At one side there’s haiku with too clever “I bet you’ve never seen this” images, and at the other side there’s the “so what” images, both to be avoided, I think. This is what makes haiku so hard to do.
Ken WagnerNov 27, 2008 @ 20:39
Good point. The challenge is spot on. This was definitely a magical moment – the first fall scent swirl for a spirited and curious dog. So lets try again.
Was –
A warm breeze swirls.
My poodle lifts his nose
to the sky.
“Inhaling”…, like it! You could also have him inhale autumn, from what you’re telling here. Would that work? The rhythm of “inhaling sky” is better, I think.
Ken WagnerNov 28, 2008 @ 19:50
Yes, I like it better now. I read it to Rocco – the poodle – and he likes it, too! Thanks.
Are you sure it wouldn’t get better using articles? If it becomes too long to your liking, you could consider skipping or changing the third line (it’s a bit redundant as it is now).
How about –
Warm breeze swirls.
Poodle lifts his nose to
sky.
This way it sounds as if “Poodle” is the dog’s name. Why not this:
A warm breeze swirls,
a poodle lifts his nose
to the sky.
or
A warm breeze swirls,
a poodle points nose and tail
to the sky.
Original –
Warm breeze swirls.
Poodle lifts nose to sky,
inhaling the scene.
Yes. There’s just one thing bothering me (a bit), the thing that bothers me most in most of my own haiku as well: the so-called “so what” factor.
I think that’s the hardest of all. Haiku generally are too short to impress by clever language alone, so how keep them interesting? How to steer between the Scylla and Charybdis? At one side there’s haiku with too clever “I bet you’ve never seen this” images, and at the other side there’s the “so what” images, both to be avoided, I think. This is what makes haiku so hard to do.
Good point. The challenge is spot on. This was definitely a magical moment – the first fall scent swirl for a spirited and curious dog. So lets try again.
Was –
A warm breeze swirls.
My poodle lifts his nose
to the sky.
“Inhaling”…, like it! You could also have him inhale autumn, from what you’re telling here. Would that work? The rhythm of “inhaling sky” is better, I think.
Yes, I like it better now. I read it to Rocco – the poodle – and he likes it, too! Thanks.
Woof
You’re poetry is awesome!