Actually prefer the first version. I like that it gives you that’s it’s road scene, seen from sidewalk or car. What follows is not a suggestion, but my own version from memories of the same sight:
Heavy raindrops fall, bounce up from glinting puddles in headlights’ shine
The rainy dawn, hidden by banana leaf butterflies dream…
Ken WagnerJan 18, 2009 @ 19:54
Kris – Thanks for the feedback. Your poem captures the moment very well. sanjay – Thanks for the comment! I have enjoyed following your site. I’m a subscriber! Dr Zen – You have been quite active on Twitter! The two samples you posted here are quite nice and on point.
midnight drive… glistening raindrops bounce on a puddle.
Ken WagnerJan 19, 2009 @ 20:42
I think you nailed it, Adriaan. By capturing the light with “glistening,” you were able to place the focus squarely on the motion of the raindrops. Great work!
Have you tried making the headlights the shorter image and the raindrops bouncing the longer one?
You are always on target, Adriaan. What do you think about –
Raindrops hit,
bounce, then settle in lamp-lit
puddles.
Actually prefer the first version. I like that it gives you that’s it’s road scene, seen from sidewalk or car.
What follows is not a suggestion, but my own version from memories of the same sight:
Heavy raindrops fall,
bounce up from glinting puddles
in headlights’ shine
i like raindrop bouncing…i can see it.
u might like this one…from england where it only rains. 🙂
http://haikuexpeditions.com/2009/01/12/the-hotel/
Colourless?
Moon in sky,
Rainbow..
The rainy dawn,
hidden by banana leaf
butterflies dream…
Kris – Thanks for the feedback. Your poem captures the moment very well.
sanjay – Thanks for the comment! I have enjoyed following your site. I’m a subscriber!
Dr Zen – You have been quite active on Twitter! The two samples you posted here are quite nice and on point.
midnight drive…
glistening raindrops bounce
on a puddle.
I think you nailed it, Adriaan. By capturing the light with “glistening,” you were able to place the focus squarely on the motion of the raindrops. Great work!
Interesting! Different composition of words can describe the same scene! I liked the first version and Adriaan’s version 🙂