6 comments… add one
  • Ken Wagner Feb 2, 2009 @ 21:41

    Was –
    Geese rise
    in morning light . . . Footsteps
    on wet sand.

  • Dave Bonta Feb 2, 2009 @ 23:12

    I think the revision was wise. Now the reader is led much more clearly to picture the contrast between rising and sinking, flying and walking.

  • Qrystal Feb 3, 2009 @ 14:43

    I’m sure you were one of the people suggesting I try breaking free from 5-7-5, but I just like it SO MUCH, I’m going to write my own version of your above haiku here:

    In the morning light,
    geese rise… as I take a step
    onto the wet stand.

    I do this out of the joy I found in your poem, and mean no disrespect in rewriting it! Kudos to your ever-vigilant haiku-ing.

  • haikuexpeditions Feb 3, 2009 @ 17:03

    Good as it is…
    Unless you mean to talk of impermanence…
    Geese rise
    In morning light…
    My footprints on sand

    It is all about ‘your’ haiku moment. 🙂
    sr

    http://thehaikumoment.wordpress.com
    http://haikuexpeditions.com

  • Ken Wagner Feb 3, 2009 @ 19:16

    Dave – Yes, I hit “Publish” too soon. Strange, though – it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.

    Was that clear? Have I gotten past my own wet brain? Goodness – was that, well, good? Bring on the light, the air, the critics!

    Qrystal – I always welcome the creative suggestions of a fellow traveler. Stick with 5-7-5. Enjoyment is the signal that you are doing good work.

    Dread smothers.

    haikuexpeditions – Thanks for the encouragement!

  • Dave Bonta Feb 3, 2009 @ 23:12

    it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
    for me, too.

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