I’m sure you were one of the people suggesting I try breaking free from 5-7-5, but I just like it SO MUCH, I’m going to write my own version of your above haiku here:
In the morning light,
geese rise… as I take a step
onto the wet stand.
I do this out of the joy I found in your poem, and mean no disrespect in rewriting it! Kudos to your ever-vigilant haiku-ing.
Dave – Yes, I hit “Publish” too soon. Strange, though – it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
Was that clear? Have I gotten past my own wet brain? Goodness – was that, well, good? Bring on the light, the air, the critics!
Qrystal – I always welcome the creative suggestions of a fellow traveler. Stick with 5-7-5. Enjoyment is the signal that you are doing good work.
Was –
Geese rise
in morning light . . . Footsteps
on wet sand.
I think the revision was wise. Now the reader is led much more clearly to picture the contrast between rising and sinking, flying and walking.
I’m sure you were one of the people suggesting I try breaking free from 5-7-5, but I just like it SO MUCH, I’m going to write my own version of your above haiku here:
In the morning light,
geese rise… as I take a step
onto the wet stand.
I do this out of the joy I found in your poem, and mean no disrespect in rewriting it! Kudos to your ever-vigilant haiku-ing.
Good as it is…
Unless you mean to talk of impermanence…
Geese rise
In morning light…
My footprints on sand
It is all about ‘your’ haiku moment. 🙂
sr
http://thehaikumoment.wordpress.com
http://haikuexpeditions.com
Dave – Yes, I hit “Publish” too soon. Strange, though – it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
Was that clear? Have I gotten past my own wet brain? Goodness – was that, well, good? Bring on the light, the air, the critics!
Qrystal – I always welcome the creative suggestions of a fellow traveler. Stick with 5-7-5. Enjoyment is the signal that you are doing good work.
Dread smothers.
haikuexpeditions – Thanks for the encouragement!
it is often the knowledge that the poem is “out”, and can be seen by others, that knocks my awareness into gear for revisions.
for me, too.